thank you brand new/dc for making this day possible.
It’s been an rough couple of months…and they’ve really affected me, but I can’t decide if that’s for the worse or better. I know that all of life is thrown at you so you can gain from the experiences that you are put through, and even if they hurt at the time, they do help you learn about yourself.
Let’s start with the fact that I’ve been hurt too many times. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, which is my apparent downfall, and I love all people. I was told once that God loves everyone for who they are, nothing more, nothing less, and that I may not be God, but I should try and do everything to walk in the way that he’s shown. I KNOW I’M NOT PERFECT, not by any means. When I fall, I fall hard, when I feel, I feel hard, and I make some of my emotions known, but really do suppress a lot that I feel others really don’t care to know. It’s hard when your friends are attention seekers, because that really does leave you in the background most of the time, and I don’t want everything to be about me, but it is often nice when someone cares enough to ask you how YOUR life is going.
I think it started with working at Care. I found that I could be myself, and others would appreciate me for it. I’ve come across good things in life. I met one of my best friends, Jenn, who is also my partner, and one of the most beautiful people I know. Others are starting to see that, and I couldn’t be happier for her. Hearing about this all the time both elates me and makes me yearn for something more. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of fun at work, but it always seems to end in hurt, and it makes you doubt your character and question yourself.
My other two best friends are/were in long relationships, which I constantly heard about amazing men in their life, but I also sincerely saw them take advantage of the great things that they had. Ultimately, one is still with her boyfriend, and one ended it after 3 years. 3 years that just ended. And now, at this point, I’m supposed to cut off or end a friendship with a great person, because something else ended
There were two boys that broke my heart, and one that broke my spirit, making three to break the enthusiasm I had for life. I don’t want this to seem like a “my life blows” blog, but it’s whats on my mind. What has this year gotten me? Nothing much. A new DL, one without the minor bars, but seemingly without the friends as well. My best friend wasn’t here for the day, and i recieved one text at midnight to say happy birthday. Never heard about it again, not even when she got back, but am continuously reminded about how amazing hers will be, and how much fun she’s going to have, when I spent mine alone. I constantly have to hear about her love life and how easy it is for someone with such a personality to be so easily accepted as beautiful. Which I definitely see her as.
Which is what point I was at today when I got an email from my second job, saying that in attempts to get the students excited about becoming an EMT and telling them about work, I befriended them and that I need to take more of a role as an instructor, so basically I need to lose my personality. Which is a hard email to get from a job you’ve had for a year and a half. ouch. How do I keep happy, but lose myself in the process? This has been a reoccurring theme for the year.
I guess people who say that they’re friends are just showing their poker faces. It’s hard, especially after people say that they want to be friends, or move on like there’s no backstory, but the memories are always there. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It seems like everyone’s stuck on ugly.
Here’s to the Good. Hopefully it comes back soon.
“You have stolen my heart” -D/C
